I’m fine on my own
I’m fine on my own.
This insecure story has ruled me.
It has shaped by perception of reality.
It has had me place limits on myself and other people.
This declaration has shaped my life for 37 years.
I have exhausted myself trying to do everything and prove my worth.
It has kept me from having deeply connected relationships.
It has held me back from asking for and receiving help, even when I desperately needed it.
It has robbed others of the opportunity to contribute to my life through supporting and loving me.
I’ve been living in a world of of my own making.
With the same power I used to create the world of “I’m fine on my own”, I am empowered to create a new world as I celebrate my 37th trip around the sun.
A world full of possibilities where I am devoted to my healing and the healing and transformation of others.
I discovered this distinction through a ton of self-study and contemplation, energetic clearing, and through attending the Landmark Forum and the Landmark Advanced Course.
And, I’m already signed up for the next course because what I’ve shared with you today is only one of the many breakthroughs I have experienced via Landmark!
I’ve reconnected with my father after having no relationship for years.
I have restored integrity in multiple friendships.
I shared the limits I had been placing on my mother and our relationship.
And I went from talking about divorce to having a conversation for possibility for our lives with my husband and high school sweetheart.
This work is no joke.
If you’re ready to reshape your reality and create a life full of freedom, check out the courses that Landmark has on offer.
It will change your life if you’re open to it.
There is no try. Be effortless.
I have a secret. I am constantly trying to be Good. At. Everything.
When I deliver something at work, my first draft has to be customer-ready.
When I learn something new, I have to get it right away or I get frustrated.
When I show up to coaching calls, I eagerly report all of the things that I have accomplished.
When I coach or lead a meeting, I am always worried about how much value the other person is getting out of it.
But it doesn’t stop there.
The need to BE good at things and to BE RECOGNIZED by others for being good at things is so pervasive that it has infiltrated my system in the silliest of ways.
I am good at pumping gas — so efficient, never dripping gas on my shoes and always moving my car when I am finished.
When I get a massage, I have to be the most flexible and tolerant of pain.
When I order at starbucks, I have to do it properly (the way we used to do it when we had to call drinks out loud).
When I go to the hair salon, I have to hold my head just so in the washing bowl and never complain about the temperature of the water.
When I do kundalini yoga, I have to overcommit to the positions, squeeze my abdomen fiercely, hold my breath the longest, straighten my spine the most, and use so much effort during the breath of fire that my belly movement can be seen from space.
So, when I asked my teacher after a recent kundalini session what she was noticing — hoping to improve, of course — she told me that I should use less effort.
I was “efforting”.
And, I realized, that I am never not efforting.
It is exhausting, this need to be good and to be seen as being good.
It’s a zero sum game where i constantly judge myself, and I never receive enough acknowledgement.
Where I am never enough.
As I write this post, I am trying to do it “well” and I will seek validation in the form of likes and comments.
The silver lining is, the more conscious I become of this efforting in the moment, the funnier it is to me.
It is truly so silly and insignificant.
If you struggle with this pattern, I invite you to notice how silly you are being & have a little laugh at yourself in the moment. And then, use less effort.
Healing is the new high
Partaking in cannabis used to make me feel freer.
Along with alcohol, it used to give me courage and a quick way to be “on” and ready to interact with others.
It made small talk impossibly interesting.
It helped me loosen up and relax.
Lately, though, it has had a different impact.
I become quiet and withdrawn.
The energy around me becomes too intense and I retreat into a blurry haze.
At the same time, I have started to feel *high* when I am not high.
Trippy visuals and patterns play behind my eyelids.
My body hums with trance-like tingles.
The edges of nature are beginning to blur as I perceive this experience through my human eyes.
And I am becoming more and more sensitive to stimulants.
After already being alcohol-free for the past 90 days, I am now removing a few other stimulants from my life: cannabis and coffee.
Where I used to find courage and confidence, energy and excitement, I now feel overstimulated and numbed at the same time.
My friends, healing is the new high.
Surrender and step through
I walked through a portal today.
I let go of the defending.
I let go of the effort-ing.
I let go of the proving.
I let go of the pain and the dizziness and the confusion and the uncertainty.
I surrendered and I stepped through.
What was waiting for me on the other side?
My full wisdom.
My full power.
Total gentleness, calm and peace.
And pure, ecstatic fucking joy.
My body is still humming from the high of it all.
I feel empty and full all at once.
If you’re reading this, perhaps it’s time for you to step through, too.
Are you ready?
What is my dizziness showing me?
Today is a dizzy day.
I am lightheaded, slightly dizzy and I have some subtle vertigo when I move my head or body in certain ways.
I have been dealing with this on and off for years now. In the past, I have attributed it to stress, burnout, fatigue, and Epstein Barr.
“I haven’t been dizzy in months” was something I said to my parents just last weekend.
“I think it’s because I stopped drinking, I have been doing kundalini yoga and I have been resting a lot more.”
What happened the next day? I got smacked with dizziness. And it hasn’t left my side since.
It has pretended to lighten up only to resurface if I dare to think, “maybe it’s gone”.
In the past, I would have experienced my dizziness as a burden — as something that prevented me from going about my day and being productive.
Now, I contemplate it.
I ask:
Why has my dizziness chosen to be present today?
What is it trying to tell me or show me?
What is my dizziness creating space for?
I have been doing so much intense energetic work. So much clearing. So much pattern releasing.
My body is releasing, processing and detoxifying, which requires a lot of rest, nourishment, gentleness, and patience.
Now, instead of becoming frustrated by what my body is taking from me or preventing me from doing, I see that my body is giving me something...and it’s my job to be open and available to receive it.
Instead of complaining.
Instead of forcing myself to work inside at my computer.
Instead of pushing my body to be OK too quickly.
I am taking the afternoon to move slowly, to ground my body in the earth, to soak up the sunshine, and to meditate this gorgeous maple tree.
Let’s be honest. This is a chaotic, transformative period of rebirth.
Every person I talk to is experiencing some sort of ego death, grief, loss, illness or transformation...whether they are ready for it or not.
And we can either fight, force, deny, and push our way through.
Or, we can surrender to the gifts that are being presented to us.
It’s all a matter of perspective.
Rest deeply and come alive
Deep rest.
It’s what my body needs.
It’s what my mind needs.
It’s what my spirit needs.
It’s what we all need.
You’re not here to “earn a living”.
You’re not here to prove your worth.
You’re here to come alive.
To devote yourself to the unraveling, the unwinding, the unfolding.
To experience the pleasure of this existence through the portal that is your body.
To soak in the sun.
To feel the breeze on the edges of your skin.
To romp and play and find joy.
You’re here to BE your purpose.
To embody your unique genius.
To harness your very own strange kind of magic.
What are you trying to prove?
My days used to be so full of DOING.
A crushing amount of work finished day after day was how I proved my worth.
For years, I have consciously WANTED to do less and to BE more.
But wanting to change wasn’t enough.
I had to see myself differently.
I had to see my world differently.
I had to see others differently.
It’s one thing to say things like..
“I want more being and less doing.”
“I can’t keep going at this pace.”
“When I achieve xyz, THEN I will slow down and take some time off.”
“It shouldn’t have to be this hard.”
It’s another thing to surface and shed layer after layer of limiting beliefs, patterns and stories.
It’s another thing to realize that what was keeping me in perpetual burnout was ME.
It’s another thing to recognize that maybe, just maybe, people will love me and value me just for showing up and being myself...without having to do everything, carry everything, and take care of everything.
And it really is another thing to truly love myself, to rebuild my self-trust, and to recognize my value simply for showing up.
I don’t have to be a certain way to be loved, and neither do you.
So, what are you trying to prove?
Surrender and release
Just when you think you’ve let go, the universe will show you where you’re still holding on.
Where you’re still controlling.
Where you’re still driving.
Where you’re still forcing.
Where you’re still attached.
You have to give up DOING something.
You have to give up HAVING something.
You have to give up BEING something.
“If we surrendered to earth’s intelligence, we could rise up rooted, like trees.” - Rainer Maria Rilke
Where is attachment holding you back?
For years, I hesitated to call myself an artist despite secretly aching to.
More recently, I observed my discomfort when advocating for a c-level title: Chief Brand & Product Officer.
And, frequently, it is easy to slip into the habit of identifying with things like:
“I’m a projector”
“I’m an enneagram 8”
“I’m an INFP”
“I am a gemini”
“I am the type of person who journals”
“I am a morning person”
What is this attachment to identity, labels and titles?
A sense of external validation.
A signpost that you have achieved something “important”.
A feeling of fitting into a group.
We overly attach and identify with these myths and perceptions so much that they become a core part of our stories and beliefs about ourselves and our reality.
What we REALLY desire.
What we REALLY need is...
To be recognized.
To arrive worthy of love.
To feel connection and belonging.
What do we need to fulfill our true, authentic needs?
(I’ll distill it down as much as possible!)
1. Notice that you are NOT your programming, your patterns, your stories, or the voice inside your head.
2. Surface your shadows, accept them, embrace them, and transmute them into gifts. (Hint: attachment to labels and identities is a great place to begin your journey)
3. Release your attachment and merge into a more resonant, authentic, whole version of yourself.
It’s a process of catch and release.
What label, title, identity or achievement are you attached to at the moment?
Where is this attachment holding you back or having you play small in your life?
What is possible for you if you release your attachment to this concept?
Tarot Reading: Time for bold choices
It’s time for bold choices but your heart is unsettled, causing you to procrastinate and deny your truth.
Movement, change, clarity and momentum are all unlocked, bit by bit, when you surface and integrate your patterns.
Transmuting your shadows into gifts provides the keys that unlock your energy, focus and possibilities.
What is standing in the way of your choice?
Where are you choosing to be confused?
What do you need to boldly follow your instincts?
How can you treat yourself with love and respect on the journey to your highest dreams?
Proving my worth through suffering
Another layer surfaced for me today.
A pattern that I’ve been consciously working through for the past two years keeps serving up new layers for me to observe, integrate and let go of.
The pattern is deriving my value and proving my worth through my work and, more specifically, through my suffering.
This pattern has played out in so many nuanced, tangled ways throughout my life because I get something out of its existence.
It has helped me survive.
It has helped me achieve monetary and work success.
It has proved to others how strong I was and that I could do everything on my own.
It has made me feel indispensable.
But it has also manifested as martyrdom, self-justification, resentment, frustration, confusion, procrastination, self-neglect, manipulation, low self-esteem, self-doubt, disassociation, brain fog, exhaustion, disease and burnout.
And, while it is challenging to continuously surface, integrate and embrace my patterns, it is also a true gift.
Because every time I move through this process, it’s like I receive a new key that unlocks a tiny door to my soul.
I get much closer to what I TRULY want in this life, who I am here to be, and the work I am here to do.
This is your invitation
I’m on assignment.
I made a soul contract to be a mirror, a guide, a healer, and to walk through this lifetime as a living example of what is possible.
What is possible when you integrate your conscious and unconscious being.
What is possible when you fully express yourself and find true belonging within yourself and the collective.
What is possible when you open your heart and love unconditionally, even when it hurts, even when you are full of grief, even when you feel broken, and even when you are afraid.
What is possible when you remember that pure fucking joy is your true and natural way of being.
What is possible when you truly surrender and let go of attachment to things, to proving, to driving, to forcing, to controlling, to hustling, to pushing, to roles and identities, and you find peace, flow and ease.
What is possible for others and the world when you raise your consciousness and integrate your way of being.
What is possible when you connect to the universal collective consciousness and recognize your insignificant AND important role in this lifetime.
I'm a vessel, here to witness and hold space for your journey.
I have been preparing for this work for my entire life, and for many lifetimes before this one.
I work with strong, spirited women who are ready to own their power.
Why? How?
Because I am that woman. And I am claiming my power, my presence and my position in this world.
I’ve found success through controlling, forcing, dominating and proving my value and worth through my suffering.
And, along with it, I have found isolation, loneliness, sadness, grief, sickness, exhaustion, frustration, confusion, and burnout.
I have stood where you are standing.
Everything is possible for you.
This is your invitation.
Slow.
Slow.
That’s how I’m feeling today.
I have tried to change it all morning and I keep sinking deeper.
A distracted meditation.
A frustratingly unproductive journaling session.
A punishment of a breakfast.
Ok. Ok. Ok.
I surrender.
What is this slowness here to show me?
I am moving THROUGH.
I have been downloading, receiving, transmuting and integrating more and more and more.
And sometimes it gets straight up STUCK.
My mind slows.
My body becomes sluggish.
My attention wanders.
My emotions peak and valley in waves.
On overcast days like this one, the colors seem to pierce through brighter than on the sunniest of days...if we only pause to admire them.
What meaning will your life have?
Life is empty and meaningless.
You read that correctly.
Life is empty and meaningless.
...
You are a meaning making machine.
During every second of every day, things are happening in your reality.
What are you doing as these things happen?
You’re making meaning of them.
You’re creating stories about them.
You’re weaving explanations and justifications and reasons for them.
But what is actually happening...is just that things are happening.
Without meaning.
You’re adding the meaning.
You’re adding the context.
You’re adding the perspective.
...
So, what if you noticed that your stories were just stories?
That they were the meaning that YOU made up about circumstances and happenings.
What if you realized that you had a blank slate?
If you realized this, then you could create yourself and your life to have whatever meaning YOU desired.
What meaning will your life have?
Let your inner child rise; it’s time to get to work
Once upon a time, there was a little girl.
This little girl was full of sunshine, her hair bouncing while she danced, her smile so wide her cheeks might burst from joy, her laughter hiccuping through the air, her eyes bright and wise.
The little girl came to this world to learn, to grow and blossom, and to serve and care for the earth with love and ferocity.
When the girl encountered others, she began to notice she was different.
Too open, too eager, too interested, too passionate, too loud, too sparkly, too big, too much.
And she became afraid she wasn’t worthy of love. Afraid she would be alone.
So, she did everything she could to fit in and prove her worth and value to others.
Layer after layer, she closed her heart and mind, quieted her voice and desires, dimmed her light to match the darkness, and made herself small.
And then, she was truly alone, even when she was surrounded by people and things.
To everyone else, the girl had everything, but she felt like she had nothing.
Many years later as a grown woman, she met a priestess that possessed a strange kind of magic.
The priestess was grounded and wise, and full of light. Her smile was effortless and genuine. She moved with purpose and grace. She treated everyone with love and compassion. Her integrity, honesty and authenticity attracted many.
Upon observing the priestess, the woman’s heart was expanded and her armor began to crack open.
The woman had a feeling of déjà vu, like she was witnessing something familiar.
Because she was.
What she saw in the priestess triggered memories to flood in and she remembered who she was.
She remembered her value.
She remembered her mission.
She began to weep for her younger self. That beautiful, innocent creature. That bold and tender heart. That ease and joy and brilliance. That curiosity.
There, in the depth of her morning and loss, the woman found herself, her whole, authentic self.
She also found her resolve.
It was not only time to remember that little girl, it was time to unravel the stories, crack open the armor, peel back the layers.
It was time to be whole again.
And, so, the woman got to work.
That woman is me.
That woman is you.
That little girl is me.
That little girl is you.
That priestess is me.
That priestess is you.
Let’s get to work.
Calling in your soul sisters
“You have luck with other women,” the astrologer said with ease.
I, on the other hand, was taken aback. 🤗
“My chart says what?!”
She continued to explain that I will naturally feel a great deal of support from other women, especially around bringing creative endeavors to life.
The truth is, I have never had many close female relationships and I have exactly zero women that I stay in touch with from grade school, high school, college or grad school.
I don’t even have casual catch ups with past colleagues that I believed I was close with at the time.
And since the pandemic began, my small group of female friends — the relationships that I forged out of expansion, personal growth and transformation — those, too, have been disappearing quickly.
At the same time, I have been actively working on myself.
Diving deep into unhealed personal traumas, battling with insecurities around being seen, revealing more of who I am to the world, connecting with my body through kundalini, and working on my marriage.
Last week, I went to Nosara, Costa Rica with 12 other amazing unicorn women for a personal branding retreat.
In the jungle, on the beach, and lying on our backs in a yoga shala, we communed, connected, cried, created our futures, renewed our confidence, and reminded each other of our cosmic missions on this planet.
I left with a feeling that I have never felt before — that I have luck with other women.
Women that will support me, hold space for me, protect me, listen to me, guide me, see me, and remind me of my best self.
Women that won’t let ourselves, each other, or the world down.
Emergence can be exhausting
You may see both wings, expanded, taking up so much space.
But the truth is, I feel trapped in my cocoon. I want so badly to break out, set myself free and be seen, but something is holding me back.
I am still hiding behind my armor, peeking around the edges to see if it’s safe to emerge.
I am practicing all of the things: yoga, meditation, breathing, using the sauna, going outside for walks, drinking more water, dancing, journaling, talking to friends, and I keep getting hit with waves of negative energy.
Is anyone else feeling this? It feels like emotional whiplash.
Transformation is challenging work.
Emergence can be exhausting.
I am ready to rest and take a break. Time to regroup.
Becoming requires believing
Am I alone in feeling a bit like I'm on an island at the moment, surrounded by an ocean of uncertainty and trepidation?
I keep getting reinforcement on my way of being in the world -- grounded, full of joy, shining. People keep telling me this is how I'm showing up; they keep reflecting that message back to me.
The problem is, I don't yet believe it myself.
Am I really showing up that way?
Is it safe to embody this way of being in the world?
Will I still come across as credible and commanding?
Will people stop taking me seriously if I am light and joyous?
Why do I care so much?
Sometimes I can feel the truth about my purer, wiser state of being, and sometimes it feels like it's hidden from me.
👉 Wondering if any of you have ever felt tentative about stepping into a new version of yourself?
I'd love to hear about what that was like for you and if you have any tips or words of encouragement as I continue on my "shedding" process.
Thanks for listening. ❤️
Asparagus growth cycles
I read somewhere that asparagus can grow bent or curved if it is overwhelmed by weeds or doesn’t have enough space.
For the last year, I have been feeling like this asparagus.
Going in circles.
Twisting back in on myself.
Growing a bit only to wind up back where I was before.
Sometimes personal growth and learning can feel expansive and sometimes it feels like your breakthroughs are things you already knew many years earlier.
I suppose I am slowly accepting that growth can be cyclical, spiral and meandering.
We might return to things we learned before only to use that knowledge in a new way.