Proving my worth through suffering

Another layer surfaced for me today.

A pattern that I’ve been consciously working through for the past two years keeps serving up new layers for me to observe, integrate and let go of.

The pattern is deriving my value and proving my worth through my work and, more specifically, through my suffering.

This pattern has played out in so many nuanced, tangled ways throughout my life because I get something out of its existence.

It has helped me survive.
It has helped me achieve monetary and work success.
It has proved to others how strong I was and that I could do everything on my own.
It has made me feel indispensable.

But it has also manifested as martyrdom, self-justification, resentment, frustration, confusion, procrastination, self-neglect, manipulation, low self-esteem, self-doubt, disassociation, brain fog, exhaustion, disease and burnout.

And, while it is challenging to continuously surface, integrate and embrace my patterns, it is also a true gift.

Because every time I move through this process, it’s like I receive a new key that unlocks a tiny door to my soul.

I get much closer to what I TRULY want in this life, who I am here to be, and the work I am here to do.