Proving my worth through suffering
Another layer surfaced for me today.
A pattern that I’ve been consciously working through for the past two years keeps serving up new layers for me to observe, integrate and let go of.
The pattern is deriving my value and proving my worth through my work and, more specifically, through my suffering.
This pattern has played out in so many nuanced, tangled ways throughout my life because I get something out of its existence.
It has helped me survive.
It has helped me achieve monetary and work success.
It has proved to others how strong I was and that I could do everything on my own.
It has made me feel indispensable.
But it has also manifested as martyrdom, self-justification, resentment, frustration, confusion, procrastination, self-neglect, manipulation, low self-esteem, self-doubt, disassociation, brain fog, exhaustion, disease and burnout.
And, while it is challenging to continuously surface, integrate and embrace my patterns, it is also a true gift.
Because every time I move through this process, it’s like I receive a new key that unlocks a tiny door to my soul.
I get much closer to what I TRULY want in this life, who I am here to be, and the work I am here to do.
This is your invitation
I’m on assignment.
I made a soul contract to be a mirror, a guide, a healer, and to walk through this lifetime as a living example of what is possible.
What is possible when you integrate your conscious and unconscious being.
What is possible when you fully express yourself and find true belonging within yourself and the collective.
What is possible when you open your heart and love unconditionally, even when it hurts, even when you are full of grief, even when you feel broken, and even when you are afraid.
What is possible when you remember that pure fucking joy is your true and natural way of being.
What is possible when you truly surrender and let go of attachment to things, to proving, to driving, to forcing, to controlling, to hustling, to pushing, to roles and identities, and you find peace, flow and ease.
What is possible for others and the world when you raise your consciousness and integrate your way of being.
What is possible when you connect to the universal collective consciousness and recognize your insignificant AND important role in this lifetime.
I'm a vessel, here to witness and hold space for your journey.
I have been preparing for this work for my entire life, and for many lifetimes before this one.
I work with strong, spirited women who are ready to own their power.
Why? How?
Because I am that woman. And I am claiming my power, my presence and my position in this world.
I’ve found success through controlling, forcing, dominating and proving my value and worth through my suffering.
And, along with it, I have found isolation, loneliness, sadness, grief, sickness, exhaustion, frustration, confusion, and burnout.
I have stood where you are standing.
Everything is possible for you.
This is your invitation.
Let your inner child rise; it’s time to get to work
Once upon a time, there was a little girl.
This little girl was full of sunshine, her hair bouncing while she danced, her smile so wide her cheeks might burst from joy, her laughter hiccuping through the air, her eyes bright and wise.
The little girl came to this world to learn, to grow and blossom, and to serve and care for the earth with love and ferocity.
When the girl encountered others, she began to notice she was different.
Too open, too eager, too interested, too passionate, too loud, too sparkly, too big, too much.
And she became afraid she wasn’t worthy of love. Afraid she would be alone.
So, she did everything she could to fit in and prove her worth and value to others.
Layer after layer, she closed her heart and mind, quieted her voice and desires, dimmed her light to match the darkness, and made herself small.
And then, she was truly alone, even when she was surrounded by people and things.
To everyone else, the girl had everything, but she felt like she had nothing.
Many years later as a grown woman, she met a priestess that possessed a strange kind of magic.
The priestess was grounded and wise, and full of light. Her smile was effortless and genuine. She moved with purpose and grace. She treated everyone with love and compassion. Her integrity, honesty and authenticity attracted many.
Upon observing the priestess, the woman’s heart was expanded and her armor began to crack open.
The woman had a feeling of déjà vu, like she was witnessing something familiar.
Because she was.
What she saw in the priestess triggered memories to flood in and she remembered who she was.
She remembered her value.
She remembered her mission.
She began to weep for her younger self. That beautiful, innocent creature. That bold and tender heart. That ease and joy and brilliance. That curiosity.
There, in the depth of her morning and loss, the woman found herself, her whole, authentic self.
She also found her resolve.
It was not only time to remember that little girl, it was time to unravel the stories, crack open the armor, peel back the layers.
It was time to be whole again.
And, so, the woman got to work.
That woman is me.
That woman is you.
That little girl is me.
That little girl is you.
That priestess is me.
That priestess is you.
Let’s get to work.
Calling in your soul sisters
“You have luck with other women,” the astrologer said with ease.
I, on the other hand, was taken aback. 🤗
“My chart says what?!”
She continued to explain that I will naturally feel a great deal of support from other women, especially around bringing creative endeavors to life.
The truth is, I have never had many close female relationships and I have exactly zero women that I stay in touch with from grade school, high school, college or grad school.
I don’t even have casual catch ups with past colleagues that I believed I was close with at the time.
And since the pandemic began, my small group of female friends — the relationships that I forged out of expansion, personal growth and transformation — those, too, have been disappearing quickly.
At the same time, I have been actively working on myself.
Diving deep into unhealed personal traumas, battling with insecurities around being seen, revealing more of who I am to the world, connecting with my body through kundalini, and working on my marriage.
Last week, I went to Nosara, Costa Rica with 12 other amazing unicorn women for a personal branding retreat.
In the jungle, on the beach, and lying on our backs in a yoga shala, we communed, connected, cried, created our futures, renewed our confidence, and reminded each other of our cosmic missions on this planet.
I left with a feeling that I have never felt before — that I have luck with other women.
Women that will support me, hold space for me, protect me, listen to me, guide me, see me, and remind me of my best self.
Women that won’t let ourselves, each other, or the world down.